Out In The Cold
by Jennifer Collins
Summary: James deals with Natasha's lack of memories of him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers.  
Note: This fic is based on events from the Winter Soldier monthly series and may contain spoilers, including a spoiler for a character death.

**Out In The Cold**  
by Jennifer Collins

"We're calling Tony?" James asked, slightly irritated.

Steve sighed. "You might as well face the fact that your cover is blown."

James nodded.

"Besides, Hill and Fury think it's best if she stays in her old room at the Avengers mansion for now," He added, not quite looking his former partner in the eye.

Bucky frowned. "She really has no memory of me?"

Steve shook his head. "I'm afraid not, pal."

"Then I guess the apartment's no place for her right now," He said quietly.

"I'm sorry, Buck."

"Does she know about Sitwell…. and everything else?"

"Yes. Maria told her."

"How is she taking it?"

Steve shrugged. "S.H.I.E.L.D. got her a therapist to help cope. She's also seeing a psychologist four times a week. It's going to be a long process getting her back, you know."

"I know."

"And we need everyone's cooperation."

"Right."

"I'm talking about you, Buck."

James narrowed his eyes defiantly. "I'll be on my best behavior," he promised sarcastically.

"We're all in this together," Steve reminded him. "Don't worry, we'll find a way to get her back. But until we do, we need to focus on what's best for Natasha. Now come on. Hill's already at the mansion and Tony is expecting us."

"Where's Natasha now?"

"Clint's driving her over there."

"What, he gets to see her before I do?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Barnes. It's good to see you alive. Truly," Tony said, grabbing his hand in a firm shake when they arrived at the mansion. "Steve told me yesterday but of course I had to see for myself."

"Of course," James said, a little coolly. After a moment, he added, "Thank you… for doing this."

"Anything for a fellow Avenger," Tony replied. "And you know… your room is just the way you left it. It might do you some good to stay here for awhile as well. I'm sure the others would appreciate having you close by, now that they all know."

James nodded.

"Gentlemen," Maria Hill greeted them. "Barton just pulled up in the driveway."

James looked up, his heart pounding in his ears.

"Agent Romanoff will not be on active duty until further notice," she reminded them. "And we mustn't do anything to disrupt her healing process," she advised, looking pointedly at James. "Now, happy faces, everyone."

Just then, the front door opened and Clint came sailing through, followed by Logan and Natasha, who walked in arm in arm.

"Agent Romanoff," Tony said with a smile. "Welcome home."

Natasha threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. "Thanks, Tony."

"It's good to see you, Natasha," Steve said, patting her on the back.

James nodded a polite hello.

"I've got to bring this stuff upstairs," Natasha said, gesturing to her bags with barely a glance at him.

"I'll come with you," Hill offered. "We have much to discuss."


	2. Chapter 2

It was late afternoon the next day when James decided to wander down to the kitchen for a snack. He waved the servant on duty away and opened the refrigerator, rummaging around.

"The others are at a meeting with Nick Fury. Why aren't you there?"

He froze at the familiar voice and turned around slowly. "I'm not technically an Avenger. Or a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent."

She nodded. "It's Bucky, isn't it?"

He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach at the sound of his nickname on her lips. "Uh… yeah."

"I'm Natasha," she said, not taking her eyes off his.

"I know who you are," he said, meeting her gaze. "And you… know who I am?"

She smiled. "Cap's teenage partner from the war."

He nodded.

She took a step closer, eyeing him up and down. "Look at you, all grown up. Yet still looking as young as ever. How do you do it?"

He grinned. "I could ask you what's your secret too."

She laughed. "I don't think you'd believe me if I said I use a really great moisturizer."

He laughed too. "Probably not. I guess they didn't tell you all about me, then."

She cocked her head to the side. "About the Winter Soldier? I've heard stories. Mostly from a long time ago…"

He raised an eyebrow. "The Red Room?"

Her eyes stilled on his. "How did you-?"

"I was there."

"Then the stories are true."

He nodded. "They are."

"All of them?" She thought for a moment. "I guess your friends told you what happened to me."

"I… uh… I know."

"And you're not afraid to be alone here with me?"

He offered her a half smile. "I thought you heard all the stories. I'm not afraid of anything."

"That can't be true."

He folded his arms across his chest. "Try me."

"Well… most people are afraid of death. Dying a horrible, untimely death… "

"Is that a threat? I've already died twice, you know."

"Really?" She took another step closer. "How'd you come back?"

"The first time, after the war? That's when the Russians found me. The stories you heard. And the second time? Well, how many ways do you know to come back?" He challenged.

Her eyes widened. "The Infinity Formula," she breathed. "I guess it's good for you that you know Nick Fury."

He nodded. "We go way back." He was quiet for a moment, debating internally. "That must be your secret too."

She smiled. "Well, I guess it's not a secret anymore."

He closed his eyes for just a second before continuing. "The… the formula. Who gave it to you?" He asked quietly.

She froze. "I… I don't…. I don't know… I mean, I barely know you. I can't tell you all of my secrets," she said, recovering quickly.

"Natasha…."

"I've got to go," she said, backing up slowly.

"Wait…" He called, his voice barely a whisper, but she had already gone.


	3. Chapter 3

_He tossed and turned in his bed for quite possibly the millionth time that night, his body covered in a sheen of cold sweat. The door to his bedroom was slightly ajar. Funny, he didn't remember leaving it open… the thin band of blinding yellow light grew wider until a figure appeared in the doorway. "James," she called softly. _

"_Nat?" He sat up until she joined him in between the sheets. "You called me James." _

_She frowned. "Well, that's your name, isn't it?" _

"_You called me Bucky yesterday." _

"_And you called me sweetheart," she said, making a face. "We're even." _

"_What are you doing here?" _

"_It's late. I'm tired." She lay down next to him. "Why aren't you asleep?" _

"_I haven't slept in three weeks," he admitted. "Not since you were lost." _

_She smoothed his hair back. "Sssh. It's okay. I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere." _

_He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close to make sure she was real. _

"_Eeew, you're all sweaty," she complained. "You need a shower." _

_He grinned mischievously. "Only if you join me." _

"_But I'm tired," she whined. _

"_Oh… I'm sure I can think of a few ways to wake you up long enough," he said, putting his mouth next to her ear…. _

He awoke with a start, punching the wall next him. The plaster cracked under his metal knuckles and he cursed. He rose from the bed, pulled on a pair of pants from the floor and silently made his way out the door to the elevator.

It had become more than clear to him that he wasn't going to get any sleep that night, just like all the other nights, so he made his way down to the training room to vent his frustrations in the most…. acceptable way he knew how.

He was on his third punching bag when he realized that he wasn't alone. "How long have you been standing there?"

She smiled. "Awhile."

"I'm sorry. Am I intruding on your time?"

She shook her head. "It's two-thirty in the morning. I wouldn't book the room this late."

He nodded. "Alright then."

"Don't stop on my account. I like watching you."

He raised an eyebrow, trying to figure out if she was flirting with him or not. "Really? And why's that?"

She batted her eyelashes at him. "I find you… fascinating."

He nodded. "Well, are you going to just stand there watching me all morning? Or do you want to have a go?"

She grinned. "I was hoping you were in the mood for a training partner."

He held his hands in the air. "You take the first shot."

She rounded a kick, which he barely dodged, her long leg nearly brushing his shoulder. He retaliated with his metal fist, which she easily blocked. "You're holding back," she observed. "Don't."

The next time he came at her, he had her hands pinned down to her sides. "So are you," he whispered.

She looked up at him and he pulled back slightly, realizing how close her face was to his. "You're transparent," she said. "Where's the Winter Soldier I've heard so much about?"

He blinked. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh come on. I see it in your eyes. The quiet longing." She raised her fingers to his face, brushing his cheek and sliding her hand behind his ear. "The slight increase of beats in the pulse in your neck." She slid her hand across his collar bone. "The heaviness in your breath… Do I make you nervous?"

He caught her hand before she could slide it down his chest. "You're playing with me," he said evenly. "Darling, I was the king of mind games. I'm not going to fall for any of your tricks."

She smiled innocently. "No tricks… I was simply observing the effect I have on you, James."

He grinned. "That's not gonna- wait… what did you call me?" He froze with her hand still in his, this time the change in his breathing was obvious.

Her eyes narrowed. "I said James. That is your name, isn't it?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah, it is."


	4. Chapter 4

The weeks had stretched long and cold since the night in the training room, and James hadn't had too many encounters with Natasha after that. He'd heard from Steve that she had been put on a small assignment with Clint and that it had gone well, but he hadn't had a chance to ask her about it. The Avengers were getting called on more and more missions, which left James to repay his debts to S.H.I.E.L.D. on their own missions.

He'd been very much looking forward to a day off and when it finally came, he went down to the garage to his bike. Before he could punch in the code to open the automatic door, he felt her presence once again behind him and was smiling before he even turned around to face her.

"Going somewhere?"

"It's no fun being cooped up in here. I need a break," he said.

"So I've noticed. I thought you said you weren't an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

"I'm not."

She pursed her lips. "You do an awful lot of grunt work for them."

"I guess you could say it's freelance work," he replied.

She nodded. "Is this your bike?"

"Yup. That's my baby."

"Nice," she said appreciatively. "I don't suppose you'd want to take me for a ride?"

He thought for a moment. "Um… I'm not so sure that's a good idea…"

"Why not? Afraid I'm going to steal it from you and leave you stranded?"

He smiled at the realization that she was teasing him. "Okay fine. Hop on," he said as he threw a leg over the seat.

She scooted on behind him, wrapping her arms around his chest and he was glad that she couldn't see when he closed his eyes for a second before kick starting it. "Where to?" he asked, once he trusted himself enough to speak.

"How about your place?" She suggested. "Unless you've got something to hide…." She added before he could refuse.

He rolled his eyes and took off, thinking that it couldn't possibly do any harm to her situation at this point.

He could hear her laughing behind him as the wind rushed through her hair. "Faster!" She kept shouting, and he obliged, but only because she'd throw her head back and giggle when he did.

"That was fun!" She said when they stopped in front of his apartment building.

For a second, she reminded him so much of her old self that he actually had to shake his head to clear it. "Come on up," he said. "As you know I haven't been here in a few weeks, so sorry if it's a mess."

She shrugged. "Whatever."

He kicked the door closed behind them and flicked on the lights. "You want something to drink?" He started to move towards the fridge, but in the next instant, she had thrown her body against his, pinning him against the front door.

His reflexes kicked in and he caught her, wrapping his metal arm around her waist and using his other hand to hike her leg up on his hip as their mouths met in a fierce kiss. His tongue sought entry between her lips and he moaned softly when he was granted access.

A small part of him wondered if this was really a good idea, but he couldn't help caving in to all the weeks of longing when she raised her hands to his face and ran her fingers roughly through his hair. When they had to separate for air, they were both panting hard. "Bedroom?" he asked, his voice a little husky.

She nodded wordlessly, wrapping her legs around his waist and he carried her effortlessly. He leaned over her when he set her down on the bed, and she pulled him down on top of her, kissing him hungrily as she pulled his shirt off over his head.

He moved his mouth down her neck, his hands slowly pushing up her top. She hissed at the sudden coldness of his left hand on her side. "Oh.. sorry," he murmured, but she shook her head. "You'll get used it," he said softly, as his hands groped her body in all the ways he knew she liked.

She didn't answer, instead, she moved her mouth along his jaw, sucking roughly on his neck. "Show me how to touch you," she whispered.

He closed his eyes as her hands wandered below his waist, slowly undoing his belt buckle. "Just touch me," he breathed.

She moved her lips down his chest as her hands reached their destination and he groaned loudly, covering her mouth once more with his. He buried his fingers in her long red hair, relishing in the feel of her soft tresses. "S-slow down, baby," he moaned. "Unless you want this to be over rather quickly."

"Do you have anything?" she asked in between needy kisses.

He nodded. "Top drawer in the nightstand," he gestured with his hand, reaching clumsily.

She closed her eyes when he leaned into her, her hands grabbing at his shoulders. He covered her mouth with his, his tongue quieting her gasps. It wasn't too long before she was calling out his name, and he couldn't help smiling against her collar bone when he realized that it was his given name.

XXXXXXXXXXX

He opened his eyes, waking abruptly when he felt her jolt upright next to him. "Nat? What's the matter?" He asked softly.

"N-nothing," she whispered, but he could tell that her voice was shaking.

He pulled himself up to a sitting position, his arms reaching for her. She didn't push him away, but he could sense a cold distance between them. "What is it? Come on, you can tell me."

She dressed quickly and after a moment he did the same.

"Can you take me home now?"

He nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"Okay."

"Hey." He lightly placed his metal fingers on her shoulder. "Hey, are you okay?"

She nodded, a little too quickly. "Yeah, yeah I'm okay."

He frowned. "Are you having second thoughts about….?"

"No. No, it was really good," she reassured him, but her eyes were wild.

"Okay," he said. "Let's go."

He climbed onto the bike first, and he was surprised when she wrapped her arms tightly around his chest and buried her face in his back. She sat like that for the whole way back to Avengers mansion.


	5. Chapter 5

Steve knocked loudly at the door to James' room at the Avengers tower. "Bucky? You in there?"

James groaned audibly. It had been three days since he'd left the mansion with Natasha and he'd seen no sign of her since. He definitely did not feel like talking. "What is it, Steve?" He asked, feigning a yawn when he opened the door.

Steve pushed past him and walked in. "Natasha missed her appointment with the psychologist for the third day in a row today. I don't suppose you would know why?"

James crossed his arms over his chest. "Now why would I know that? We haven't exactly been having heart to heart conversations lately," He said dryly.

Steve placed his hands on his hips. "I didn't think I needed to remind you that there's security cameras everywhere. Especially in Tony Stark's garage."

James sighed.

"I know you left the property with her on Monday. What I don't know, is why on earth you would do that when you know perfectly well that she's supposed to be under constant supervision."

"And what do I look like? What, you don't think I was keeping an eye on her? She was bored, she needed to get out, Steve. She would've found a way whether I helped her or not."

Steve rubbed his temples. "I know… I know. Just… where did you take her?"

James lowered his eyes to the floor.

"Buck?"

"We went… to my apartment," he admitted quietly.

Steve's mouth dropped open slightly in stunned silence, but only for a second. "You…. what?"

James turned his head.

"Please, please tell me you didn't…"

He threw his hands up in the air in anger. "You know what, Steve? I don't think this is any of your business!"

Steve took a few steps forward until he was right in front of James. "Not my business, huh? Well it was made my business when one of my teammates and quite possibly one of the most dangerous agents out there was brainwashed and went on a killing spree inside a government owned organization. I'm not just answering to you and your hormones, kid."

James narrowed his eyes. "Back off Steve. You think this is easy for me? You think I'm not dying inside every time she asks me a question because everyone else around here is walking on eggshells in front of her? I haven't sleep in four weeks, Steve! Dammit, I can't sleep!"

Steve sighed, reaching out a hand to touch James' metal shoulder, but he angrily shrugged away. "I know. I know you're hurting, Buck, and I'm sorry. But there's a procedure we need to follow here."

James snorted. "Great. So what's the procedure when the most important person in the world to you kills your colleagues and then forgets you even existed? Tell me, Steve, because I'm lost."

"I…. I don't know. I just… need answers."

"You?" He laughed bitterly. "You need answers? I don't know what to do anymore."

They were interrupted by a knock at the door.

James shot an accusing glance at Steve before opening the door. "Natasha!" He said, surprised.

"Hi," she said softly. She looked awkwardly at Steve. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything…"

Steve shook his head. "No. No, I was just on my way out. You stay."

"Alright."

"You missed a few meetings," Steve said gently.

She nodded. "I know. I'm sorry… I just… I'm going tonight," she promised.

"Okay. Don't get me in trouble," he said, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly.

"I won't," she said. After he'd gone, she turned to James. "I was hoping we could talk. But not here," she said quietly.

James shook his head. "Nat, I can't…"

"No. In my room. Come." She nodded her head down the hall and he turned to follow her. Once they were both inside, she closed the door behind them.

"Look, if this is about the other night… we have to watch what we say," James warned. "There's cameras everywhere. And I guess there's sure as hell a camera set up in your room."

She shook her head. "I re-programmed it this morning. It's just us."

"What? And no one on Stark's security team has noticed?"

Natasha smiled a secret, slightly wicked smile.

"Oh, you're good," James said with approval in his tone.

Her smile faded. "You haven't been honest with me," she said in a low voice.

He looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean?"

She wordlessly handed a flat object to him.

He turned it over in his hand. His eyes widened when he saw that it was a small wooden frame. "Where did you get this?" he whispered, suddenly feeling as if he'd just gotten the wind knocked out of him.

"It was on your nightstand the other day," she answered tonelessly.

He swallowed hard, studying the photo inside the frame. It was a picture of the two of them in an intimate embrace, taken some time ago.


	6. Chapter 6

"Nat, please. I can explain." He swallowed hard, feeling like his mouth was full of cotton.

"That dress was destroyed on a S.H.I.E.L.D. mission over a year and a half ago," she said, a little too calmly. She crossed her arms in front of her, gazing at him expectantly. "We didn't just meet when you helped bring me back, did we?"

He shook his head. "No," he said quietly, meeting her gaze with a pleading look in his eyes.

"Am I still brainwashed?"

"No!"

"Then what the hell is going on here, James?!" she shouted.

"He was trying to get to me. He kidnapped you and used you to get to me," James said, his heart breaking all over again. "Everything he did to you… made you do… it was all to get back at me."

Natasha sniffed. "Agent Sitwell. Was he-" her voice broke. "Were you… close?"

James closed his eyes for a second before he answered. "He was my handler. S.H.I.E.L.D. was helping me fix some things from my past. And it all went horribly, horribly wrong…."

"Were you friends with him?"

"It was starting to go that way, yes."

"I-I'm so sorry," she cried.

"Sssh… " Before he could stop himself, he crossed the room, placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"How can you even look at me?" She whispered. "Why aren't you afraid I'll snap, just like the others?"

"Because… I've been there. It wasn't you. You were the vessel. Someone else was steering the ship. No one will ever understand that better than me. I know you don't remember, but…"

She tilted her head back to look up at him. "Why don't I remember you?"

"That was his way of sticking it to me," James whispered. "He had all your memories of me cut out."

"And… you and me…"

"Nat," he breathed, running his metal fingers through her long hair. "You are the most important person in the world to me. I don't know what to do here. I'm lost. And it is so cold and empty without you here." A single tear fell down his cheek into her hair. "I would do anything, anything to get you back….." He fell to his knees in front of her, burying his face in his hands.

"Get up," she said through clenched teeth. "I am no better than you."

Without warning, he grabbed her wrists and yanked her down on the floor with him.

"You lied to me," she said, a hint of ice in her voice.

"No!"

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked, her eyes accusing.

"I….. I didn't want to hurt you, or confuse you, or….. Some people have very specific ideas on how your recovery should be treated," He gently explained.

She nodded slowly. "I suppose I understand."

"You have to believe me," he murmured. "My hands are tied here, and I hate it. But I would never do anything to jeopardize you… ever. I," He took a deep breath. "I love you, Natalia."

She turned her head away from him, squeezing her eyes shut. "Love is for children," she hissed.

He placed his hand under her chin, turning her face around to look at him. "And you were a child when you fell for me," he whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

She sat down on the edge of her bed with a sigh, patting the space next to her with a pointed look in his direction.

He joined her after a long moment, wishing that she would say something.

"So tell me about us then," she said quietly.

"Are you sure?" He asked, idly tracing a pattern on the comforter with his metal fingers.

"Yes."

"Alright.. but don't be too disappointed when you find that there's nothing there," He said in a low voice.

She smiled weakly. "Are you telling that to me or yourself?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. The Red Room. Do you remember any of that?"

"Actually, I remember those years quite vividly," she told him, leaning her head on her hand. "I just don't recall you being there. Who did you train under?"

"I taught you."

Her eyes widened. "…..What?"

"Nat… maybe this isn't such a good idea…."

"No, no… keep going."

"You were far more advanced than any other soldier they threw at me. More…. interesting. We had an affair, but we were found out…. And punished. They put me to sleep and sent me away. You were married to Alexei." He thought for a moment. "Natasha…. a few weeks ago you mentioned something about the Infinity Formula. What do you remember about the day you got it?"

She looked down at her hands in her lap, fidgeting with her sleeves. "I remember… being so scared for Ivan. And desperate to do anything to save him. I made a deal…. and then I got my prize."

He turned his head to look at her. "And who gave it to you?"

She pressed a hand to her forehead. "I don't… I don't know. I can tell from the way you keep pressing that it was you, but I just can't see it. It's like… that memory has been tampered with."

He nodded.

"So they sent you away, and then what? Did you just look me up in the phone book after Alexei died, or what?" she asked wryly.

He shook his head. "No. No, we never saw each other again, until Steve…." He broke off, gazing quietly into the distance.

"I remember the assassination," she whispered.

"Do you remember the aftermath? What Tony did with the shield?"

"Don't….."

"It's there. It's inside you, it has to be. He couldn't have taken everything from you," He pushed. "Where did you take Steve's shield, Nat?"

"I didn't take it anywhere. I was stopped."

"By who?"

"I don't know!" She threw her hands up, rising from the bed. "I don't know, okay? And the next three years of my life? I don't know what happened there, either!"

"Sssh…" He moved in front of her, taking her wrist in his hand, but she angrily yanked it back, covering her face with both hands. "It's okay…"

"No… Don't you see? It's a blank, it's all a blank. These large chunks of time are just… missing…"

"Dammit!"

"Bucky…." she whispered. "I'm scared."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "James. It's James." He slowly opened his eyes, remembering something. "Wait a minute. The other night, in the training room… you called me James."

She sniffed. "So?"

"So, how did you know that was my name?"

"I guess I must have heard someone say it…"

"No."

She looked up at him. "What do you mean, no? Of course someone must have…"

"No," he said firmly. "No one has ever called me James. Except for my mom… and you…."

"Don't do this," she whispered. "Don't look for something that isn't there. This is frustrating enough already."

He sighed, sitting back down on the bed. "I know. I'm sorry."

She slumped down into a chair, resting her elbows on the table. After a moment, he moved behind her. "It's frustrating for me too. I know how I feel." He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, leaning his face close to her ear.

She stiffened. "What are you doing?"

"How do you feel?" he asked, nuzzling her neck with his nose.

"I…. you're lucky your head is still attached," she whispered, leaning into his touch.

He grinned. "It's intuitive, isn't it? I noticed at my apartment. Your body remembers me…"

"James….."

He rested his chin on her shoulder, tightening his hold on her. "I remember everything. The first time you kissed me, after my first mission in Steve's shoes. All those late night conversations. That restaurant in Tibet… It's a shame I can't let you borrow my memories."

She tilted her head to the side to look at him. "Why not?"

"Um… what?" he asked, distracted by the fact that her mouth was now just centimeters away from his face.

"Why can't I see your memories? We'll call Reed Richards, or Professor X if we have to."

He straightened up, pondering her suggestion. "It sounds risky… but it could work."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Absolutely not," Steve said.

"Why not?" James shouted. "It could work!"

"Are you insane? We don't have that kind of technology perfected. It's too risky. You both could be seriously hurt."

Natasha turned to Tony.

"I'm afraid Steve's right," Tony said. "We just got you back and your recovery process has just barely started. We can't risk you losing yourself again. It's too dangerous."

James pounded his fist down onto the table as he rose angrily from his seat. He stalked out of the room, barely noticing that Natasha was right on his heels.

"James!" She shouted. "Slow down!"

He stopped, slowly turning around to face her.

"I know, I'm mad too." She winked. "Leave it to me. I'll take care of it."

"How?"

"Do you trust me?"

He nodded once without hesitation.

She smiled. "Then lay low. I'll talk to Tony myself."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was late when Natasha knocked on the door to his private office.

"Tasha," Tony said, stepping aside to let her in. "What can I do for you?"

"You can feed me James Barnes' memories."

Tony sighed. "I thought this discussion was over."

"Then you don't know me as well as you think you do."

"It's too dangerous, Tash. You both could be lost… or worse."

"Really?" She asked. "And what's worse? Tell me, Tony because right now I'm not sure."

"Look, I know this is difficult…"

She looked at him, her eyes pleading. "I'm missing three years out of my life, Tony. Please."

He sighed. "I'll make some calls. I'll talk to Steve and Director Hill."

"That's fine. Do whatever you have to. Just make this happen."


	8. Chapter 8

"Of course you understand the necessity for these restraints," Tony said, as he carefully locked the metal strap around his chest and tightened the wrist cuffs.

James nodded. "Of course."

"The process has been set for seven and a half minutes. Steve will be keeping an eye on you the entire time, and Clint will be watching Natasha. At the first sign of distress from either one of you, the process will stop."

"Sounds fair," Natasha said.

Tony leaned close to James. "I'm not sure that you'll have any control over what you show her," He said quietly.

"That's fine," James said tonelessly. "I don't have to keep any secrets from her."  
Tony nodded. "Alright then. Steve, Clint. Take your places, please."

Steve moved in front of James, deliberately locking eyes with him, although neither one said anything.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the process will begin in approximately ten seconds…. Nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three…two…"

_FLASH_

_His heart pounded wildly against his chest, his hands shaking as he tugged on his gloves and adjusted his belt. _

"_Are you nervous?" She asked, looking at him through the mirror. _

"_Who, me?" He asked, with a little laugh that only confirmed her suspicions. _

"_Prepare for landing," she advised. Once they were on the ground, she turned around to face him, placing a gentle hand on his. "Just relax," she said soothingly. _

_His eyes were slightly wild and she stood up in front of him. "Look at me," she ordered. _

_He obliged, locking his gaze on her. _

"_Take a deep breath," she said, breathing with him when he slowly inhaled and exhaled. "One more, that's it." _

"_I'm okay," he promised. "Just…" _

"_I know," she said. _

"_Here goes nothin," he said as he started to climb out._

"_James, wait." _

_He turned slowly._

_She closed the distance between them, placing a tentative hand on his cheek, and it was all he could do not to lean into her touch…_

"_Don't worry about how he would have handled it," she said softly. "Just do what you need to do to finish your mission the way you see fit and it will be enough." _

_He smiled weakly. "Thanks," he said in a slightly hoarse voice. _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

_FLASH _

"_Thanks for the party, Nat," he said with an almost child-like smile on his face._

"_The other Avengers, they wanted to do something special for you," she said modestly. _

"_I know you planned all the details," he said. _

_She shrugged. "You did pretty good with all the people. Perhaps we'll break you from your shell yet." _

"_I don't know about that…." He sat down on the edge of the bed and yanked his shoes off. "I'm exhausted. Are you coming to bed?" _

"_In a bit. I need to change first," she said, heading for the bathroom. _

_He quickly finished dressing and pulled the blankets down. _

"_I hope you're not too tired," she said from the bathroom doorway. _

"_Oh yeah? And why's that?" He raised his eyes up to look at her, his mouth dropping open as he took in the tiny black and silver nightie that clung to her curves in all the right places, her long red hair spilling down her shoulders…. "Holy-" _

"_I was saving it for a special occasion. Do you like?" She gazed at him seductively through her thick eyelashes. _

"_It's lovely, now take it off," he said, reaching for her. _

_She ducked just out of his grasp. "It's Italian," she continued, walking around to her side of the bed. "Made from the softest silk." _

"_Very nice. Take it off," he said, leaning in to kiss her neck._

"_It's very expensive." _

"_Uh-huh. Off. Now. Please." _

_She grinned mischievously as she leaned over him. "Happy Birthday, James." _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXX_

_FLASH _

"_Get away from him!" She shouted to the throngs of reporters and flashing lights as they rushed to the entrance of the Avengers mansion. "You don't touch him!" She growled. _

_She sighed once they were inside, leaning heavily against the door. _

"_They know what I did," he mumbled, looking at the floor. _

"_Them? They don't know anything," she said angrily. _

"_It's all over the news. They know who I really- what I really- they know." He groaned. "This is every worst nightmare I've ever had come true." _

_Natasha shook her head. "That wasn't you. And they don't know the real you. I do." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "And the trial next week is going to prove once and for all that you cannot be held accountable for all those lost years." _

_He mumbled something incoherent into her hair. _

"_We're finally going to move past this, James. You'll see," she said, slowly moving her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. "We'll find a way." _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

_FLASH _

"_I knew you'd come for me," James said, looking at her through half-closed eyes. "You always do." _

"_Sssh… just sleep now." _

_The last thing he remembered was the loud, obnoxious sound of the chopper propellers as they became airborne. The next thing he knew, Natasha was gently shaking his shoulders. _

"_We're home now," she said softly. "Come on. You can sleep once you're safely inside." _

_He groggily lifted his head and pulled himself up long enough to walk the few steps to the door of his apartment. Once inside, he didn't even bother to flick on the lights, just walked intuitively to the bedroom. "Thank goodness," he muttered, slumping down into the bed. _

_Natasha nodded her agreement. _

_He clumsily patted the space next to him. "You coming?" _

_She shook her head. "No way. You are way too stinky right now. Besides, you need your rest." _

"_Aw, come on," he said, taking her hands and pulling her towards him._

"_No!" she shouted, wriggling away. _

"_Please, baby," he whispered into her ear. _

"_Right, like that ever works," she said, rolling her eyes. _

_He placed a sloppy kiss on the side of her face. _

"_James!" she squealed. "Stop fooling around! You stink!" _

"_How can I stop if we haven't started?" He said with a pout. _

"_You know that's not going to work on me." _

"_Please, Nat," he begged, tugging her off balance. "Please, it's been like four weeks that I was trapped in that prison….." _

"_And you can wait a few more minutes unti l you take a shower," she insisted. _

"_Come with me?" _

_She rolled her eyes again. "Idiot." _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXX _

_FLASH _

"_Nooooo!" He could hear her shout, but it sounded so far away….. _

_He felt her hands on his chest, something wet hit his nose but he couldn't tell what it was…. _

"_Nooooooo! Nick, somebody save him! He's dying!" _

_Who's dying? And why was she so upset over it? Was she talking about him? She couldn't be talking about him…. _

"_Come on, Natasha," Fury said, pulling gently at her shoulders. _

"_No! Don't take her away from me!" He wanted to shout, but his throat was raw. _

"_He can't die! Nick, he can't die! I can't lose him!" _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

His eyes shot open when he heard the blood-curdling screams coming from behind him. "Natasha!" He yelled, pulling furiously against his restraints.

"Bucky, calm down!" Steve shouted. "You're okay. You're in Stark's lab."

"Nooo! Noooooooo!" She was screaming shrilly.

"Steve? Get me out of here! I have to get to her!"

"At ease," Steve commanded, slowly undoing the locks on his wrist cuffs. "Tony says it's normal to feel a little disoriented."

"Hurry up, please!" He shouted.

"JAMES! _James_!" He heard her cry.


	9. Chapter 9

"Natasha!" He ran to her side of the machine, taking her firmly by the shoulders.

"You might want to stand back, Barnes," Clint warned as he pressed the button to undo her wrist restraints.

"James! James!" She cried as she collapsed into him, sobbing.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her, pulling her into his chest. "Sssh, sssh. It's okay," he breathed into her hair.

"James! I lost you," she sobbed. "I lost you."

"No, no, you didn't lose me. I'm right here," he whispered. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh, God."

"It's alright. It's going to be okay," he promised, placing a soft kiss on her forehead as he cradled her in his arms.

"James…."

He gently combed his fingers through her tangled hair. "Natasha. You…. you remember me?"

She nodded, still clinging to his shirt. "I remember."

He breathed audibly, feeling as if he'd been holding his breath for a very long time.

"James…" she murmured as her sobs began to quiet.

"Don't stop saying my name," he whispered.

She looked up at him. "Take me home now?"

His eyes darted to Tony.

"I suppose we could wait until tomorrow morning to discuss this with Director Hill," he said.

"I'll drive you both," Steve offered.

James nodded silently, not loosening his grip on Natasha.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

They rode in silence, with Natasha's head resting in his lap the entire time. He brushed her face with his warm fingers, tracing the contours intently. He offered a weak smile when he felt the slight pressure of her lips on his flesh as he traced her mouth.

Finally, they were in front of his apartment and he idly thought for a moment on all the times he'd felt like this before- how home was the most wonderful thing that could happen to him.

"Thanks, Steve," He said softly when the car had stopped.

Steve nodded. "I'll call you tomorrow."

He wrapped a protective arm around Natasha's waist and led her through the door. "Welcome home," he murmured. If she heard him, she didn't give any sign, instead making her way straight to the bedroom.

He followed her, but stayed cautiously in the doorway while she crawled in between the sheets. She looked at him expectantly, and he slowly made his way over to her, taking her hand in his. Without warning, she pulled hard until she'd tugged him almost on top of her. "Hold me," she whispered.

"Gladly," he agreed, pulling her close. "You really do remember?" He asked after a moment, hoping it wasn't too good to be true.

"I really do," she said quietly.

"Your own memories, or just mine?"

"My own memories," she answered, to his surprise. "It was… like a switch. Like something clicked inside me."

"What was?"

"The memory of the one time in my life that I have ever consciously lost control of myself."

"Oh," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "I… I didn't even know I had that one…."

She reached her hand up, running her fingers through his hair. "The paramedic at the time had said you still had a pulse. But he wasn't sure if you were aware of what was going on around you," she said quietly, her voice still a little shaky.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm getting there," she answered. "You?"

"Getting there," he repeated. "But having you back makes it a lot easier." He paused. "Are we okay?"

She smiled. "Of course, James. Any more questions?"

He thought for a moment. "Just one."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Do you still have that Italian thing?"

She laughed, swatting him in the chest. "Idiot."


End file.
